The Set-up

Let’s start from the beginning. I have a student, M, and she’s pretty cool. In fact, we’ve become friends, well, as close to a friend that I feel comfortable with with a student. This is pretty funny because I’ve been telling myself that I am not my students’ friend, I am their teacher.

I’m a bit hesitant to be friends with students because of their maturity level, not exactly up to par with people my age. Also, it will always have that power undertone where I am their “superior”. There is also the safety factor. The teaching governing body is very clear about the power relationship between student and teacher and how impressionable students are with that. I know most of this is based around teachers dating students (which is not ok in my books) but I still want to be careful to protect myself. There’s also the issue of “teacher’s pet”. In all fairness, M is in my class of two students and I have a great student/teacher relationship with the other student.

I’ve thought a lot about not encouraging a friendship with a student, but I decided I should just go for it. It’s not like we are going to hang-out all the time, or discuss our love lives. The culture around here also doesn’t make a big deal out of it. Teachers fit in better here when they make the effort to be a part of the community. One way to do this is to be into basketball. I’m not. Some of the more established white teachers have actually been adopted by families in the community. So, I honestly think a friendship with a student and their family is a good thing.

But again, that gain for me is definitely not why I’m friends with M. She reminds me a little of myself when I was her age. She helped me dye my hair with Andrew, where I gave her my MSN info to get ahold of me. We’ve chatted on line about things, like Christmas news, and I’ll MSN her when she’s not in class to get the scoop. I like her and I think we will be “real” friends when she graduates from high school.

Anyway, M found me on MSN while I was still in the big city and started chatting with me. I let her know I was returning to the village the next day. It happened to be her birthday and she was having a family party and invited me. I was quite happy to attend because it would be neat to spend an evening with her to meet her family. Plus, a free meal when returning home to an empty fridge is also a plus!

The party was pretty fun. The family and I got alone very well and we were joking around with each other. M and I chatted afterward and she was a little apologetic for her “crazy” family. This made me laugh because every teenager thinks that their family is crazy. Come on, my step-dad alone mortified me enough as a teenager to make me empathize with any teenager. The rest of my family have their quirks as well (but I love them all to death). Her family was great, they liked to embarrass her a little, since it was her birthday and all. Afterward, she told me her family enjoyed having me. I reciprocated the compliment. I got along well best with M’s mom and her “brothers”. M is technically an only child, but she was raised with her two cousins whom she considers her brothers. Her mom reminds me a little of my mom. They’re both strong, little mamas, with wicked senses of humor.

A couple days later, M’s family was going to the restaurant in the neighboring village (accessible by boat) and she invited me along with the insistence of her mom. I was feeling crappy that day, so I declined. Well, last night was M’s mom’s birthday and I was invited to that. I was quite honored to be thought of for an invite, so I accepted.

We were chatting a little on-line about who was going to be there, and I was asking a million questions like the names of family members. I remember what they all look like but I could only remember some of their names. I felt more confident knowing everyone’s name.

The party was at one of M’s brother’s house. He lives with his lovely wife, Dawn, and her daughter. Dawn made delicious pizza for dinner. During pizza we were all chatting and normal conversation, and M’s mom turned to me and told me M’s other brother, Ian, would be coming later. I thought it a bit strange that she directed this particular comment to me, when really, the conversation wasn’t really on him. It then it dawned on me. Was I being set-up? Hmmm.

The culture here has a particular sense of humor where you kinda pick on someone and joke around that way. I’ve caught on quickly to this type of humor. I think this has definitely helped me succeed in winning the students over in the classroom. So Ian gets there, and starts in on me, giving me a hard time, and seeing if I’d roll with the punches. He even started calling me his girlfriend, to try to rile me up. Of course I can sense M is just dying in her seat from all this, but I handled it well. I know the family was testing me to see if I had a sense of humor and also poking fun at my outsiderness to see if I’m a fake person. I’m not expressing quite what I want to here, but I think you all know what I mean. I passed that test with flying colors.

After a while, Ian let up and started talking with me normally. The family were asking me questions about my life and were trying to get to know me. That was quite nice, because there’s only so much I can say about teaching without boring them all to death. It was also nice they were warming up to me on not such a superficial level. I even think Ian was flirting with me a little, patting my arm every time he talked to me, etc.

Anyway, it was time to come home and Ian walked M and I home. I live across the field from M so they walked me home. At this point, I was starting to get Ian back for giving me such a hard time. It was a good evening.

So I get home, and check my email, etc. and M comes online. I thanked her for the invite etc. and we’re talking about her family a bit and how great I think they are and then she drops the bomb I was waiting for.

“So, what do you think of Ian?”

I had to think about this one, and quick. I don’t want to say anything bad about a person’s brother because that’s just mean. Not that I had anything bad to say about him. I said he seems nice (I didn’t want to use the word guy). Also, I don’t want to play games with M in the middle, so I asked her why she asked.

Her response: “Ah, no reason.”

Ok, I don’t know how I feel being set-up with my student’s brother, by my student. There are a couple of issues here. The first being the situation where she’s playing matchmaker. I don’t know if this is the case and I really hope not. It’s one thing if he has an interest and is asking her for information. It’s another, if she wants to set us up from he own volition. That could be very disastrous if she has her heart set on us being together and we don’t go for it. I would hate for personal stuff to get in the way of our teacher/student relationship because I still have to be her teacher until June. Just another reason why you shouldn’t be friends with your teacher.
The other big issue is not having her in the middle. That being Ian or I playing games with each other through M. That can be very confusing for her and I’d never want to put her in that position.

Anyone have any advice here? My main strategy in this situation is to make it clear that I don’t want M in the middle if she brings up the subject again. I’ll tell her that Ian knows where to find me if he wants to talk to me and I don’t want M to be the messenger.